I have to complete an English exam this weekend as part of an application for permanent residency in Canada.
It’s a serious exam that can take up to 4 hours. I have no doubt that among the other people taking it will be non-native speakers struggling with the vagaries and contradictions of the terrible bitch that is my native tongue. That has to be hard and somewhat terrifying. An exam to determine your entrance to a whole new country? Wow.
But.
All I keep thinking is how amazing it would be to wear a monocle and top-hat throughout the exam and loudly and obnoxiously say things like, “OH ENGLISH YOU SCAMP” and “MOTHER-TONGUE, YOU FIEND, YOU ARE OUTDOING YOURSELF THIS FINE DAY.”
And perhaps at some point, when it’s clear the exam has reached its hardest part, I’ll go very quiet, before muttering, “Hmmmm, wow, this is actually pretty hard.”
And it will be then that I will produce from my lapel a second monocle.
