One of the assumptions of Conan’s theory on what...

One of the assumptions of Conan’s theory on what is best in life - “crushing my enemies, driving them before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women” - is that none of my enemies are straight women (who would, of course, have no women of their own capable of lamentation.) In reality that demographic compromises close to 63% of my enemies - by far the largest group of enemies. (Straight women also compromise 50% of my nemeses - a subtle, but important, distinction.)

It also fails to take into account any of my enemies who are single (approximately 85% - a figure I attribute to the amount of time they dedicate to my destruction, necessitating a minimal social life) or who are gay men (0% - I just can’t stay angry at gay men.)

I am also not sure sure where I’m supposed to be driving my enemies. Some kind of jail? Also, I can’t drive. Maybe I could just lend them a metro pass. We have a robust public transit system.