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My phone has been running slowly lately. It’s new and shiny and this slowness was disconcerting, so I tinkered and explored until I found the culprit - the Facebook app. I uninstalled it (I hardly ever use it) and was amazed by the difference:

My phone’s battery life increased dramatically.
The phone stopped lagging when I changed applications.
It deleted all my ex’s phone numbers (the ones I sometimes think about phoning).
My gums stopped bleeding when I brush too hard. They are firm now. Robust.
The ghosts that live in my teeth finally left, packing up tiny suitcases with their ghost clothes as I lay in bed one night, mouth open. They disappeared into the heavy night with soft calls of “So long, buddy - so long.”
Feeling has slowly returned to my left hand. It no longer scuttles and flinches as if it has a mind of its own. It no longer twitches furiously when someone mentions coriander or the series ‘Firefly.’
I can taste again - the soft succulence hidden beneath the firm skin of a peach; the buttery crunch of warm toast; the delectable burn of a lead paint chip.
I no longer cough up hair or blood or vanilla pudding, none of which I can remember eating.
Dogs have stopped talking to me. They open their mouths as if to speak, re-consider, close them again.
Mark Zuckerburg no longer phones me late at night. (“Mark?” I’d say. “Is that you?” He’d be quiet, just breathing. He only responded once - “How can I tell now who my friends are?” “I don’t know, Mark,” I said. We sat in silence for another hour until he hung up.)
My phone is no longer as warm in my pocket.

So if you’re experiencing dramatic battery loss maybe you should uninstall the Facebook app.