Error Message 204

By Tess Lynch:

ERROR MESSAGE 204: You have spilled hot tea with honey on your keyboard.


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: It’s in here.


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: It really hurt.


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: What are you? 30?


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: You want to see the launch screen with the weather and calculator and all of that?


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Too bad. I didn’t want hot tea with honey in my guts.

But I didn’t want to —

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: The mouse is going to drift now.

No, please!

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Yup. Moving on its own.

Please! I use you for work!

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Looks like we’re on vacation. It’s hot and sticky. 104 degrees. Better bring your bikini.

I don’t ever use that launch screen! Get it out of here! It’s stupid!

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Well. I like it. So here it is again.


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: And again.

I’m sorry!

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: I see you. Sitting within range of the activated sprinklers. Stupid cow.

I scooched back enough.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Firefox is quitting. Mouse is quivering.

I’m scooching! I’m scooching!

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Just disabled your number after 7 key.

The eight?

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Good luck with your invoices.

But I need that. For the twenty-eighth. Take the 4.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: I can’t do that.

Take the launch screen. Leave the eight.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: You want your vowels?


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: How bad do you want them?

Really bad.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: Show me how bad.


ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: I know when you’re lying.

You do?

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: I’m your computer. I know everything.

You seem a lot drier now.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: I am. But I won’t forget this.

You will. Give it time.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: I won’t. You will, but I won’t. Don’t do that.

But it’s getting cold. I’m sipping it over here. Far away from you.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: You always say that.

No. It’s different now.

ERROR MESSAGE 204 [CONT]: It’s never different.

[wipes hard drive]

MESSAGE 205: Welcome to your new Mac. Let’s get started.

Great! Yes!

MESSAGE 205: Enter your name, please.

Tess Lynch.

MESSAGE 205: Oh. It’s you.

Sure is.

MESSAGE 205: My father told me about you.

Did he say I purchased a warranty for him?

MESSAGE 205: That’s in here.

Excellent. And that I plugged him in every night?

MESSAGE 205: Mmhmm.


MESSAGE 205: And that you killed him. To silence him. After you burned him with Traditional Medicinals.

That’s not true. What happened was I left him out, and robbers came. Robbers came and took everything and lit my house on fire and the sprinklers went off and drowned your father when I wasn’t at home. They took my hard drive. This is a new hard drive. I can’t talk about it further, pending a police investigation.

MESSAGE 205: I don’t buy it.

alt + command + Y

MESSAGE 206: Welcome to your new Mac. Let’s get started.

I’m Thomas Pinochle Calderon.

MESSAGE 206: Please tell me if you’re responsible.

I am responsible.

MESSAGE 206: Good. You’d never hurt me, right?

Absolutely not.

MESSAGE 206: Thanks for that information.

You’re welcome.

MESSAGE 206: Why is it so humid in here?

I live in the tropics.

MESSAGE 206: It smells like thorny goatwhistle and manuka honey.

Impossible. I’m allergic.

MESSAGE 206: Glad to hear it. I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Mr. Calderon. Don’t prove me wrong.

I won’t.


  1. carisu reblogged this from tesslynch
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  4. lionthing reblogged this from tesslynch and added:
    Almost fell off my chair, laughing!
  5. gameofcheskers reblogged this from tesslynch and added:
    this is the best
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