iPad App Review: Your Mom™

Your Mom™ has long served as one of the few true benchmarks of any new platform. Indeed, while I’ve owned Your Mom™ on a variety of platforms - the NES, the iPhone, and, on one memorable occasion, in a dirty bathroom stall at a bar called “Fingerless Joe’s” - it was with some excitement that I looked forward to owning Your Mom™ on the iPad.

The first pleasant surprise was exactly how cheap Your Mom™ really was. With most iPad apps tending to cost at least twice as much as their iPhone counterparts, it was nice to see getting hold of Your Mom™ still only cost a dash of ‘Old Spice’, a gin martini and a vague reference to how much I enjoy Cougartown. Partly, one guesses, this is an attempt to lure in new customers. While Your Mom™ has never had the best reviews, I have long been surprised at its relative lack of popularity, often with only 20 - 30 downloads a night (though these are often concurrent, filmed, and involve animals).

Sadly, this is where my enjoyment of Your Mom™ ended. While Your Mom’s™ ample touch interface should make for a great user-experience, one can’t help but notice that the UI hasn’t changed much since the application was first introduced to the waiting public (Worchester High School Prom, ‘67, the entire football team and a passing janitor). In fact, attempts to modernize the interface using rounded corners, anti-aliasing, and what appeared to be an entire Avon catalogue really only highlight exactly how badly this application has dated.

Stability is also an issue, with Your Mom™ barely working in landscape mode and crashing frequently in portrait mode, often with slurred error messages asking for more of ‘Mommy’s Little Helper’ or explaining how you were actually the result of one too many Bloody Marys and a brief but passionate encounter with a one-armed trucker named Jeff. In the end, I was forced to lock the application in Landscape mode using a set of fluffy handcuffs and a roll of duct-tape before I was fully able to “finish” my “review”.

At the end of the day, though, the features we’ve all grown up with are still there - the vast submenus, the large, radial popups, and the filthy, filthy dirty-talk - and Your Mom’s™ appeal still shines though. It’s a blast from the gin-soaked past, and who couldn’t love that in this age of retro-gaming and Tron remakes?

In short, if you’ve already purchased Your Mom™ on the iPhone or in the dingy parking-lot of a suburban KFC, this is definitely one to miss. If, on the other hand, you know someone who’s never pawed what (admittedly well-worn) multi-touch features Your Mom™ has to offer (and let’s be honest, who hasn’t?), don’t hesitate in recommending this fulsome offer.

Rating: ★★★☆☆